My aunt Denise and her conversations from the edge.

As my cousin John used to say: It is not that aunt Denise is mad. It’s just that her tongue is connected differently to her brain than with ordinary people. Alas, cousin John is no longer with us – whereas aunt Denise continues to thrive.

Here some of her gems.

*********

My aunt Denise: “Listen. Listen! Something absolutely weird happened to me!

… Oh wait. That wasn’t me… it happened to somebody else.”

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How much did you pay for that mixer?

About a hundred bucks.

A hundred bucks?! You can buy a vacuum cleaner for a hundred bucks!

Yeah, but we didn’t need a vacuum cleaner. Besides the mixer came with a lot of extra stuff, funnels and beakers and so on.

What do you need those for if you vacuum the house?

*********

The dog kept on having sex with my knee.

**********

My husband, your uncle, was so mad at me, he locked himself in the upstairs bathroom for an entire week.

Really? How did he survive?

He ate the toothpaste.

At least he had enough to drink.

I turned off the mains, and that forced him come out.

Why was he mad at you?

I forgot.

***********

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Oi! The face of Maria Magdalene in my eggs, sunny side up. An experience of biblical dimensions.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Sing praise in the name of the Lord ! Truly Oi! The face of Maria Magdalene in my eggs, sunny side up. An experience of biblical dimensions !

Holy holy holy

Maria Magdalena

And ain’t Mary an eggstraordinary cutie?

I love eggs in all shapes and sizes – but I am biased towards the ovums from chicks that have at least some moving space and that are, for eggsample, not pumped full with antibiotics (Interested in my diet? Read more here).

More egg-related posts can be found through this eggsemplary link.

 

 

 

For the sake of the environment. #Newspudding

International business travelers and tourists  will recognize  the sign below: this can be found in hotel rooms all over the world, be it in the high-end resorts on the coast of Hawaii or in the low-end shacks behind the city station:

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This sign literally drips with hypocrisy – more than the wet towel with which you just dried your booty after taking a hot shower to get rid of the travel dirt. This sign has NOTHING to do with worries about the environment. In fact, the text should simply tell the TRUTH:

”Hello,and welcome to our hotel. This is to inform you that we do not care at all about the environment. What we do care about is our profit margin. Laundering the towel with which you have dried your face and private parts costs us money. Imagine thousands of dirty towels each day, how many people it takes to get those clean; people that we would rather send into early retirement. In the past we hesitated to put this message on a sign, hehehe. We were betting that YOU do worry about the environment, and that you would take such a reference seriously. And that you were fully prepared to dry yourself with a dirty towel for the next four days of your stay, even if you suffer from our exquisite local diarrhea or the anus seepage that you brought along from home. THANK YOU for caring about our profit margin.”

Or how about this?

“We do not think that it matters at all whether we clean one towel more – the environment is screwed up as it is. You get a clean towel every day whether you want it or not.  No use hiding your dirty towel in your suitcase; we will find it, as we rummage through our guest’s luggage during our daily “security” check. Stop whining and suck it up.”

More travel posts.

 

Quiz time! Can you guess which famous leader used to live here? He must be turning in his grave.

Today a Chinese restaurant (“Peking Duck”), but once upon a time a very infamous man had his residence and offices behind these doors. Can you guess who?

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The truth behind the duck:  Mr. Mengling Tang from China is the owner of a Chinese eatery in the Voßstraße in Berlin, exactly on the spot of the entrance to Adolf Hitler’s “Neue Reichskanzlei” – the new chancellery. The building didn’t survive the ravages of war, within a few years after completion, the home of the brutal, and weirdly mustachioed dictator was destroyed by allied bombs. Adolf probably wouldn’t have clenched his little fists with pleasure, if he would have known about the re-purposing of the spot where his ugly government building (designed by his favorite architect Albert Speer) once stood. But then again, maybes he is, in purgatory?

Interested to learn where Adolf Hitler ended up, after his suicide? Ge t a copy of my novel CELETERRA, e.g. in iTunes:

Popcorn at the movies

Years ago, during a visit to a Disney movie, my youngest son (10 at the time) accidentally referred to popcorn as cockporn.

I haven’t been able to order a bucket of popcorn in the cinema since, as I once copied his error. Now I am afraid to mention cockpo… popcorn in any public situation.

Worse yet, I had a marketing colleague who continuously mixed up YouTube with an infamous porn channel of a very similar name. To bypass this embarrassment, he started posting all marketing videos on Vimeo.

Atheist joke – the genie in the lamp (starring Daphne and John)

An atheist (let’s say her name is Daphne) buys an ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and polishes it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “My name is John. I’ll grant you three wishes, My Mistress.” The atheist says, “Oh well, interesting… let’s say: I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe in genies.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies.

“What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist.
The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me doesn’t mean that I exist.”

More humor? Find it all blogposts tagged with HUMOR:

https://clemenssuter.com/tag/humor/

 

Listen to this: the Tale of the Fig Leaf (starring John and Daphne)

A man (John) enters a costume store. “Listen darling,” he addresses the proprietress, “I plan to attend a costume party, and I have decided to dress up as Adam, and hence I need a fake fig leaf.”

”OK,” says the woman (named Daphne), “Just a minute.” She disappears in the back and after a few minutes returns with a plastic fig leave.

”Sorry love,” says the bloke, “That’s too small to cover MY manhood. Don’t you have anything bigger?”

The woman shrugs and disappears, returning with a larger leaf.

”No, that is still too small! That won’t cover my penis by half!”

Grumbling, the woman disappears again, returning with a huge leaf, big enough to cover a man’s torso.

The man shakes his head angrily: “No, no, that won’t do. It’s simply too small!”

”OK,” says the woman, “Here’s an idea, mister. If your penis is that big, why don’t you stick it in your ear and go as a gas pump?”

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More humor? Find it all blogposts tagged with HUMOR: https://clemenssuter.com/tag/humor/