Ten Little Known Facts About Clemens P. Suter’s Novel CELETERRA – a crime mystery set in Heaven.

I Bet You Didn’t KNOW:

  1. CELETERRA was first published in 2010, contains 111,000 words across 420 pages. Five different covers are in circulation!
  2. On Goodreads it received the maximum five star rating from all reviewers! One reviewer said: “Lovable novel that shows the insanity of religious fanatics through a hard-hitting mystery story. Provides several intertwining story lines, humor and plenty of weird scenes. Mr. Suter has a lot of fantasy at his disposal and uses it to paint a beautiful adventure. I loved how the plot twisted and turned to a great finish. “
  3. And another reviewer added: “…this is an adventure that I will not soon forget: with a hero literally brimming with self-confidence, an archetypical crook, many comical and exaggerated situations and a deep philosophical, yes atheistic morality.”
  4. No book is complete without a SEX SCENE. Can’t wait for your copy to arrive? Here it is in full: A man and a woman were having sex on the grass. Vance stared at them, slightly shocked. The man turned his head, looked up at him, and smiled. The intimacy of the scene – the white skin of the elderly woman, the moving buttocks of the man – Vance didn’t like the sight. Altijd coughed and touched his arm. “Let’s go.”
  5. Rape, child molestation, criminals that make blue-jeans out of victims’ foreskins…  No modern crime novel is complete without horror, violence and gallons of st(r)eaming blood! CELETERRA does NOT serve this primitive lust. Here is the most violent scene from the novel:  He looked closely at the animal, his head getting closer and closer to the liquid. The conversation next to him had stopped. The other guests looked at Vance’s behavior with suspicion. Closer and closer he moved to the insect, his head slowly disappearing into the bowl, his nose almost touching the liquid. Suddenly, he could see pink fleshy lips in the face of the fly. The lips pulled back, and white, human teeth became visible, positioned perfectly in the meaty gums. A tongue moved in the orifice, from side to side. Vance stared at the insect’s mouth. It moved spasmodically, bits of spit in the corners of the lips. The mouth started to form words. Then the fly spoke. “Perhaps the dose is too high, hmm?”  
  6. Even in the absence of violence, CELETERRA is still HARD HITTING, both ABOVE and BENEATH the belt. Meet Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, Ed Gein and Adolf Hitler in heaven ! Learn how Charles Darwin and his wife got involved in a hideous crime!
  7. Like all other Clemens P. Suter books CELETERRA it is available as paperback and ebook
  8. It is NOT part of the Two Journeys and Fields of Fire series
  9. Don’t read CELETERRA if religion is your game or Zealot your middle name.
  10. #10 was mislaid and will be added if it turns up again. Find a free sample below!

Excerpt

Vance thought that over. “Is it possible that I will meet somebody that I have known previously? That gardener, he must have come from my hometown… I think.”

“You think! Are you sure that you have met him in your previous life? You know, many things here are surprisingly familiar, yet many others are very unusual. It could be that the gardener and you come from the same town and that he died around the time of your death… Or that he is a stranger that died ages ago, or your great-grandfather… or even your great-grandchild! Perhaps he really is a direct relative. Your father perhaps?”

Vance chuckled. “My father! I would be surprised to meet that old sinner here. The scoundrel did not do a single good in his life, he left us when I was a small boy. I heard that he was killed in a barroom fight, which should tell you something about his character.”

Altijd shook his head vehemently. “Everybody goes to Heaven! All the sinners and saints. The good, the bad and the ugly. Sure, there is a hell – but as far as I understand it is one of the emptiest places – I’m not even completely sure what it is used for. Do you know whom I met here, the other day?”

“I can’t guess.”

Altijd bent towards Vance and whispered in his ear. “Adolf Hitler!”

Vance’s mouth fell open. “What? Adolf Hitler, the German dictator, is in Heaven? Are you sure? He was a terrible war criminal, directly responsible for the murder of millions of people!”

“I met him here! One afternoon, Ballew and I were walking hand in hand along a small brook. The trees were golden, soft music filled the air. Extraordinary birds hopped on the path, which was covered with small diamonds. Two men came in our direction, both casually dressed; trousers, shirts, sneakers. The man on the right was Adolf Hitler, I recognized him immediately. We stopped and talked to them. Ballew seemed to have met both before. Hitler was rather quiet, not speaking much at first. He made a serious and subdued impression. When he did speak, it either was in German or heavily accented English. His companion was less reserved and chatted away happily with Ballew. If I remember correctly, his name was Ed Gean or something… I cannot recall exactly. Ballew mentioned later that he had been a notorious killer in his earthly life. Anyway, I was challenged to follow the conversation, I just stood there and stared at Hitler. He seemed to be slightly embarrassed by this. During a break in the conversation, he turned to me, stiffly, as if his back was rigid. ‘Well, Altijd, how do you like it here?’. At first, I didn’t know how to reply. Then I mumbled that I thought it was a great place. Hitler smiled. ‘You know, young man, I have been here a long time. I have very much enjoyed every day of it.’ To me, his statement sounded rather unconvincing. He had said it somewhat mechanically, as if he was reading it, from a piece of paper. Ballew took a hold of my arm. ‘Adolf is one of our most honorable guests. He has been here for quite a while, and if you have any questions about this place, just ask him, there is nothing that he has not seen or heard about. He knows every corner of Heaven and many of its more interesting inhabitants too.’ Adolf Hitler smiled weakly beneath his moustache and took a hold of Ballew’s hand and kissed it. Ballew giggled with pleasure. ‘You are always so charming. Come, why don’t the two of you join us for our walk?’ “We continued along the path. We talked about this and that, and Adolf and Ed pointed out some of the sights. I still had difficulty taking part in the conversation, I was truly flabbergasted to stumble upon this singular, most brutal dictator in Heaven! However, my three companions chatted away happily. Even Hitler seemed to have thawed to some extent. Still, on several occasions, I saw him shooting quick glances at me.”

Altijd interrupted his narration. They were following a small track leading down into one of the valleys, towards distant music. It was getting later in the day and the sun was setting. Sheep stood in the heather and munched away at sparse green grass. Vance noticed that he was getting hungry. “What happened then?”

Altijd walked in front of him. Without turning around, he continued his story. “We picnicked together, underneath a tree. Blankets had been laid out for us. We had some champagne and toast with smoked fish. It was a pastoral scene, Arcadian – like a Tomas Cole painting. Ballew looked marvelous, she was always so pretty when she was enjoying herself. She was sitting very upright and in the center. We three men rested leisurely on the grass. Hitler started to tell stories about his childhood in Austria, about small boy’s pranks and escapades. Despite myself, I had to admit that his narration was funny. He was charming and a great storyteller. One story stands out in my mind; how he and his childhood friend had gone out to steal apples from a neighboring orchard. When the farmer discovered them, they had to run off as fast as they could. His friend was a bit overweight, and as they climbed over a fence, his trousers had torn. He got a proper spanking from his mother. At that part of the story, Hitler got up and was gesticulating passionately, not unlike I had seen him do in some of those old documentaries. However, this time he was not rallying for war, but talking about his youth and imitating his friend’s mother! He was so funny! Hitler sat down again, and he said something memorable, which almost got lost in the amusement and laughter. He explained how he himself had gotten off without punishment. ‘Many a one would like to lay his own shame on another man’s back’; those were his exact words. I stared at him in wonder and he looked back at me, a strange emotion in his eyes. Had it been injury or hurt? Hitler pulled up his legs and rested his chin on his knees. He muttered beneath his breath. Ballew touched his shoulder, as if to comfort him. It was a very intimate gesture and I must admit that I felt a pang of jealousy. He smiled back at her. Obviously, the two of them had known each other for some time. The other man, Ed, pulled me towards him. He whispered a French sentence in my ear: Le crime fait la honte et non pas l’echafaud. Ballew had heard him too. She looked darkly at Ed and shook her head almost unnoticeably. She translated it for me later: the crime is the shame, not the scaffold. The afternoon waned. They asked me to tell about my past life and I told some stories from my childhood, by half not as amusing as the stories Hitler had been telling. However, they all listened and laughed politely. Finally, the two men got up and took their leave. Again, Hitler bowed and kissed Ballew’s hand. He came up to me, took my right hand, and shook it very slowly. He looked at me, a dreadful expression crossing his face. ‘I take my leave of you today, Mr. Altijd. Niemand kann einem anderen die Tränen trocknen, ohne sich selbst die Hände naß zu machen. Auf wiedersehen.’”

Altijd fell silent and stopped walking. Vance halted too. They both looked at the setting sun. “An intriguing statement. You cannot dry someone’s tears without making your own hands wet. What happened next?”

Altijd shrugged and turned towards him. “I didn’t meet Hitler or Ed Gean again and Ballew didn’t feel like discussing the episode. My presumption is that the two of them are still around, or that they went to the next level. To tell you the truth, I hope the latter.”

Learn how you can get your copy of CELETERRA here.

A woman in a heavenly state after reading CELETERRA - picture by Kevin Bhagat
A woman in a heavenly state after reading CELETERRA – picture by Kevin Bhagat

 

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