The Secret Art of Whistling

“Stop whistling, Clemens. Only laborers whistle,” my great friend and teacher Christian K. used to say. Christian was Austrian, and like many citizens from that cutlet-shaped country,  leaned towards eccentricity. Highly sympathetic, but thank you for the advice. Meanwhile I am glad I listened to most of Christian‘s suggestions, and ignored this particular one.

Many years later I had an eye opening experience with music. As a birthday present, my wife gave me a weekend-long harmonica training. A crash course with a professional harmonica teacher, Dale King. At the end of which I walked from the experience with the rewarding conclusion that I would never be able to play ANY musical instrument. Except for a CD player or smartphone, my limbs are unable to extract any melodious or rhythmic sound from any instrument.

There is some truth in the statement that everybody can and should sing, but for once being modest, I admit that my singing capabilities are limited.

But I can whistle. The tunes that Yehudi Menuhin squeezed from his Stradivari after long years of tortuous practice, effortlessly leave my two lips with no practice at all (a few heretics, like my family members, disagree with this assessment).

Whistling – it truly seems to be a secret art. I couldn’t find any article or reference  about the effect of whistling on well-being, physical health, war and piece, the economy or whatsoever. There are no lists of famous Hollywood actors or politicians that indulge in this activity.

But I LOVE it. In fact, I will now render Puccini’s Madame Butterfly. Beats my vocal version by a length.

Read more here: http://clemenssuter.com/books

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Debunking the top 10 commonly held misbelieves. There is no…

Humans tend to be set in their ways. We all have believes that we stick to, no matter what. But did you know…

  • There is no such thing as a free lunch.
  • There is no planet B.
  • There is No Clash Between Al-Quran and Science.
  • There Is No Spoon.
  • There’s no accounting for taste.
  • There is no word for ‘vagina’ in Burma.
  • There is no Dana, only Zuul.
  • There is no life before coffee.
  • There’s No Z in Boise.
  • There Is No Zoo in Zoology.
  • There is no life on the moon.
  • There is no try. Do. Or do not.

Read more here: www.clemenssuter.com/books

As paperback or eBook

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Anyone for a game of Solitaire? Multiplayer Mode On!

Is Solitaire a game for multiple players? My answer: definitely yes. Playing as a team not only adds a lot of fun. Building on a coach’s expertise greatly intensifies the playing experience, as the below conversation illustrates.

Wife: “What are you playing?”

“A game of solitaire.”

“How does that work?”

“Just watch, it explains itself.”

A minute of silence.

Wife: “Put the red seven on the black eight.”

“Yes, I saw.”

“The black four. On the red five.”

“Thank you, yes.”

“Why do you put that ace at the top?”

“That’s part of the game. At the end you should collect all cards of the same kind in four stacks at the top.”

“Put the black jack on the queen of hearts.”

“I saw that one.”

“You’re not very fast at this. The three. Put the black three on the four of hearts. The three.”

“I saw that one.”

“The seven. You can put the seven on that eight. You’re really taking your time.”

“My hand cannot move as fast as your eyes. There’s a natural delay between the two actions that can’t be overcome.”

“The six! The six of diamonds on the seven of spades. On the seven!”

“Yes, I saw.”

“You’re really taking your time.”

“It isn’t about finishing within a certain time. It’s about finishing at all. It’s more strategic and meditative than competitive.”

“The red nine onto the ten.”

“They are the same color. That is not allowed.”

Some silence. Wife gets up and leaves: “Stupid game.”

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Playing the nine of hearts!

Solitaire. Probably not a team play

Some weekends I hardly have the energy to drag myself from one coffee house to the next.

After a full week of work, Saturdays are best spent drinking coffee and watching people walk by. A thoroughly exhausting yet highly rewarding activity.

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I’ve become a bit of a pro at this. I know most of the coffee houses in a 20 mile radius and I must spend hundreds of hours a year sipping the black poisonous liquid, accompanied by a sandwich or a piece of cake. I happen to be a teetolar and thus look for rewards elsewhere.

Single Men – Looking for Wife? Here’s a Top Tip that gets you to the altar in no time.

Spending some quality time at one of my favorite bistros “Fromagerie La Flamme, ” in Frankfurt, Germany. Inspirational: the proprietor has put up a  stand with shopping bags, which to me look like very crude straw products, but I swear: in the last 30 minutes at least 30 women have picked up these bags and one went ahead and bought two! Fellas, if you are are looking for a spouse: put a chair with a couple of straw shopping bags in front of your apartment – all you have to do is wait and hey presto: within minutes you’ll have a marriage candidate. It’s more effective than one of these so-called “internet dating platforms.”

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My aunt Denise and her conversations from the edge.

As my cousin John used to say: It is not that our aunt Denise is mad. It’s just that her tongue is connected differently to her brain than with ordinary people. Alas, cousin John is no longer with us – whereas aunt Denise continues to thrive.

Here some of her gems.

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My aunt Denise: “Listen. Listen! Something absolutely weird happened to me! Oh wait. That wasn’t me… it happened to somebody else.”

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How much did you pay for that mixer?

About a hundred bucks.

A hundred bucks?! You can buy a vacuum cleaner for a hundred bucks!

Yeah, but we didn’t need a vacuum cleaner. Besides the mixer came with a lot of extra stuff, funnels and beakers and so on.

What do you need those for if you vacuum the house?

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The dog kept on having sex with my knee.

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My husband, your uncle, was so mad at me, he locked himself in the upstairs bathroom for an entire week.

Really?! How did he survive?

He ate the toothpaste.

At least he had enough to drink.

I turned off the mains, and that made him come out.

Why was he mad at you?

I forgot.

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For the sake of the environment.

International business travelers and tourists will know the sign below: for the protection of the environment we ask you to use your towel more once.

Doubtful whether this is  driven by worries about the environment. Isn’t the true motivation something completely different? Shouldn’t the text read:

”Hello, this is to inform you that we do not care at all about the environment. What we do care about is our profit margin. Washing your dirty towel costs money. But we cannot put that on a sign, now can we, arf arf arf? We are betting that you DO worry about the environment more than we do, and that you will take this message seriously and that you are fully prepared to dry yourself with a dirty towel for the next four days of your stay. Or longer. Oh yes. And Thank YOU.”

Now, that would be in refreshing statement!

Or how about this?  “We do not think that it matters at all whether we clean one towel more – the environment is screwed up as it is. You get a clean towel every day whether you want it or not.  No use hiding your dirty towel in your suitcase; we will find it, as we rummage through it’s contents during our daily “security” check. Stop whining and suck it up.”

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